Without A Hurt The Heart Is Hollow
by autumnrose2010
Summary: Based on the mini-series 'Amerika'. Andrei Denisov and Kim Ballard are reunited at Devin Milford's funeral, but the going won't be easy for them.
1. Devin's Funeral

Andrei was there. Kim saw him standing beside Peter on the other side of the newly-dug grave. His eyes met hers, for just a moment. She had looked into those eyes many times before, had seen them warm with passion, cool with anger. What was in them now? Sadness, certainly; perhaps regret as well.

She thought about the last time he had called her, before she had left Chicago. _I needed to hear your voice. _His words had touched her. She knew that deep down inside, he still loved her, and as nonchalant as she tried to act, she realized that she still loved him as well.

_I'm leaving Chicago. Don't try to find me. _Even as she had said the words, a part of her had known that that was exactly what she _wanted _him to do.

The funeral was coming to an end, and the attendants were beginning to disperse. She watched as he turned and walked away, knowing that she might not see him again for a long time, if ever.

"Andrei!" She heard herself call his name, felt her feet seemingly of their own accord hurrying to catch up with him. He turned to look at her, unflappable as always.

"I knew you'd come," she told him.

"I had to see you one more time," he told her.

"Did you miss me?" she asked.

He nodded.

"I missed you too," she admitted.

"Then why did you run away?" he asked.

"I was...afraid. Afraid of my own feelings. You once told me that I would have to make a choice, Andrei, and you were right. I was so scared that I was making the wrong choice. I thought...I thought that running away would make things easier, but I was wrong. I still love you, Andrei. I don't know whether that's right or wrong, but it's true. I wanted so badly for you to come after me and find me. I want so badly to feel your arms around me again. Oh, Andrei, why does it have to be so hard?" She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. She felt his arms around her and looked up into his face.

"Dear little Kimberly," he murmured. "It doesn't have to be hard at all, unless you make it that way. Come back to me, back where you belong. Stop running around like a scared little girl. Let me take care of you again."

She thought about the apartment she had shared with him, how luxurious it had been. She had been free to do pretty much whatever she wanted, had had all her needs provided for. Yet she had thrown it all away for...what? Someone else's idea of patriotism, of loyalty to some ideal? Had she been a fool?

"Do you mean to say it's not too late?" she asked him.

"Of course it isn't," he quickly assured her.

"I want to go home, Andrei," she murmured.

Silently he took her hand, and together they walked to the waiting airplane.


	2. Andrei's Apartment

The journey back to the apartment was mostly silent. Every time one of them attempted small talk, the conversation seemed to fall flat. Kim began to wonder whether she was doing the right thing. Did she really love Andrei, or was she simply afraid of being alone?

At the apartment she walked into the bedroom and immediately felt like she had returned home. Andrei's luxurious apartment was ever so much nicer than the ramshackle holes in the wall inhabited by the vagabond outlaw actors and actresses who had been reduced to squatters. A twinge of guilt went through her, but it only lasted a second. Her love for Andrei was greater than her empathy for them. Whether that was right or wrong, it was true. She knew that she was no saint, no martyr. She was just looking out for her own best interests like everyone else was. Most people, anyway.

She didn't realize that Andrei had followed her into the bedroom until he was throwing her onto the bed roughly.

"Don't you ever run away from me again!" he growled. She was frightened for just a moment, then felt his kisses covering her face and realized that it was just one of his games, another attempt at oneupmanship in the invisible power struggle they seemed to keep perpetually running.

They quickly shed each article of clothing until it was all lying in a careless jumble by the side of the bed. She gasped as he entered her, and they both began to thrust madly, moaning and grunting, hungry for one another, utterly insatiable. She cried out as she came, feeling him touch her deep inside in ways that brought her immense pleasure, and he came barely a moment later, driven to heights of ecstasy by the sensation of her muscles holding him snugly, clinching and releasing rhythmically.

"What made you want to hear my voice again?" she asked a few minutes later.

"They were all dead. Every single one of them." Andrei's voice was heavy with despair. "My boss too. Shot through the head...I cannot lie to you, Kimberly. He wasn't shot by a stray bullet. He killed himself. He saw the same thing I did and it drove him crazy."

_"Who _are all dead?"

"The Congressmen of your nation. Rogue elements of my country murdered them. We can no longer control them. They think they are doing us a favor, making things easier for us."

"Oh _no, _Andrei." Kim felt as if all the air had just been knocked out of her. She could only imagine the horror Andrei had witnessed. No wonder he had turned to her for comfort, even after she had chosen the resistance over him.

"I loved him like a father, Kimberly." Andrei's voice was choked with grief.

Gently she swept the damp brown curls back from his forehead. He didn't respond but only glanced at her fleetingly before closing his eyes. Softly she sang to him, the same song he had begged her to sing to him over the phone. "Try to remember...and if you remember...then follow..."

The only thing she had heard had been the dial tone as he had hung the phone up while she was singing to him. She hadn't seen the agony in his eyes, didn't realize the horror of what he had just witnessed.


	3. Saying Good-Bye

Kim heard Andrei enter the apartment and walk to the kitchen. A moment later she felt his arms embrace her from behind, felt him kiss her neck.

"How is my lovely little actress?" he asked.

"Better, now that you're here." She turned so that she was facing him and kissed his lips. "How was your day?"

"I met my new boss for the first time. His name is Mark Pleshakov._"_

Kim sat the table and they began to eat.

"You look as if your mind is a thousand miles away," Andrei chuckled during dinner.

"Sorry." Kim shook her head as if to clear it of cobwebs. "I hope that Mark is a nice man."

Andrei smiled gently. "Are you worried?"

"Yeah," she replied softly.

"Don't be silly." He kissed her forehead. "Everything's going to be just fine."

Kim's morose mood persisted for the remainder of the evening.

"I know how to make you smile," Andrei said as he entered their bedroom that night. He came to her and began to kiss her passionately. She lay back on the bed, and he raised her nightgown so that he could lick and suck on her nipples. She moaned with pleasure as she felt herself becoming aroused. She felt Andrei gently slide her panties off, part her legs, and begin to kiss her inner thighs. Ever so slowly he worked his way up to her most intimate parts and began to use his lips and tongue to pleasure her there. Her moans became cries of ecstasy as her orgasm washed over her. Andrei moved so that they were face-to-face and entered her. They began to move together eagerly and desperately, reaching mutual climax within seconds.

"My God, Andrei, you are _so _good." Kim was near tears.

"You'll sleep well tonight, won't you?" Andrei chuckled.

"Hold me, Andrei," Kim said. "I need to feel your arms around me tonight."

He held her close to himself, and she nestled up against his chest and began to feel very drowsy. As she drifted off to sleep, it occurred to her with mild alarm that she had just missed two birth control pills in a row. _Oh well, _she thought, _it will be all __right. That's happened before, and nothing ever came of it._

* * *

As Andrei was his usual cool and collected self, Kim had no idea that he brought significant news.

"I am to be sent back to Russia," he told her. "Civil unrest has arisen amongst the populace, and I am needed there."

"I'm going to miss you." She came to him and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I'll miss you as well." Andrei put his arms around her and stroked her hair. She clung to him as he held her tight and whispered comforting words. "Hopefully it'll all be over with soon and I'll come right back home to you."

On the day Andrei was to fly back to Russia, Kim accompanied him to the airport. As they said their good-byes, she embraced him as if she'd never let go.

"I just have this horrible feeling that I'll never see you again," she told him.

"Don't be silly. Of course you will," he said.

"I love you, Andrei."

"I love you too, dear little Kimberly. I promise I'll come home just as soon as I can."

She stood watching the airplane with Andrei aboard until it was so high up that she couldn't see it anymore.


	4. All Alone

As she returned to her apartment, Kim felt an odd emptiness inside, different from all the times before when Andrei had departed on an airplane. Whereas those other flights had been mostly local, this one was halfway around the world. She found herself already longing to hear his voice, thinking what a happy surprise it would be for him to call her when he reached his destination just to let her know that he had arrived safely, but she supposed that that would be too much to ask.

Instead of having nightmares, Kim found herself unable to sleep at all for the first few nights after Andrei's departure. The bed seemed entirely too big as she tossed and turned in a vain attempt to find a comfortable spot. She wondered about women Andrei might encounter while in his homeland, how strongly they might tempt him, whether or not the novelty of bedding an American woman had worn off and he might, after all, be more compatible with a woman of his own people.

To help take her mind off things, Kim began to perform with the bedraggled band of renegade actors and actresses once again. She had just returned from an audition with them when she received the news that Mark Pleshakov wanted to meet with her. Totally unprepared for what was to come, she quickly made her way to his office.

"Miss Ballard." General Pleshakov was a slight man with white hair, a little taller than Andrei and perhaps a generation or so older, as his predecessor had been. "Come in and sit down. Make yourself comfortable."

Kim did as he asked and sat waiting expectantly as he took his seat behind his desk.

"Unfortunately, I have some very distressing news," Mark began. Kim felt the muscles of her stomach begin to tighten. "Colonel Denisov was severely wounded while attempting to break up a street fight in Moscow. Regretfully, he did not survive his injuries."

Suddenly the room was spinning around faster and faster. Mark was still talking, but Kim couldn't hear a word he was saying. She tried to speak but couldn't, and then everything went black.

The next thing Kim was aware of was lying on a sofa with the worried face of Mark Pleshakov hovering over her.

"What...what happened?" she asked.

"You passed out," Mark told her.

Suddenly Mark's previous words came rushing back to her. "Andrei..."

"I'm so very sorry," Mark said softly.

"No! No! _No!" _Kim screamed.

"Easy." Mark held her by the shoulders as she tried to stand.

"I can't believe he's really gone..." Kim collapsed into a torrent of helpless tears.

"I'm so sorry," Mark repeated. "I'll have someone take you home."

"That's all right," Kim mumbled. "I can make it back myself."

Upon her return to the apartment, Kim threw herself across the bed and cried her heart out. She just couldn't bear the thought that she would never see Andrei again.

Only later did it occur to her that her period was over three weeks late.

* * *

Andrei heard the sound of the trumpet and knew that it was time to get out of bed. With every muscle in his body aching so badly that he could barely move, he struggled to his feet and joined the rest of the prisoners on the way to the cafeteria for their morning ration of watered-down cabbage soup that might contain a few fish bones. In the past he'd been responsible for sending others to gulags, but never in a million years had it ever occurred to him that he would someday end up in one himself.

He knew that the charges against him were false. Never had he spoken a word against the government of his country or any of its workers, yet he had been accused of crimes against the state. Protesting his innocence had accomplished nothing whatsoever, and here he was amongst political prisoners.

Andrei's thoughts turned to Kim, and he wondered whether she was thinking of him, whether she was worried about him, what, if anything, she had been told about him. He remembered the lust that had appeared in Mark Pleshakov's eyes every time Kim's name had been mentioned, and he wouldn't put it past Mark to make a move on Kim, now that she was alone and vulnerable. He knew that Kim would resist the older man's advances and had no idea what the consequences of that would be to her.


	5. A Little Piece Of Andrei

"How soon must I vacate the apartment?" Kim asked Mark Pleshakov.

"There's no urgency," Mark told her. "However, I don't think you'll want to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary when you see the new living quarters I've arranged for you."

"What?" Kim was shocked. She'd envisioned a bleak period during which she'd have to disappear into the mass of exiles roaming from place to place, staying wherever they might happen to end up at the end of the day until forced to move on to somewhere else.

"It's a luxurious penthouse suite near my main office. I've decided to offer you a position as my personal assistant, and from your new living quarters it will be a swift and easy transit to my office."

"But sir, I'm an actress...I don't really possess any clerical skills..."

"That's not a problem at all." Mark smiled kindly. "The position I have in mind for you will involve mostly filing, interoffice mail and light bookkeeping, for which I'm prepared to provide thorough training."

"But...why? Why are you being so kind to me?"

"Colonel Denisov was one of our most valued and trusted agents. We all feel his loss very deeply. The best way I could come up with to honor his memory was to see to it that the loved ones he left behind are well provided for."

"I'm greatly indebted to you," Kim mumbled, still scarcely able to take it all in.

"Think nothing of it," Mark said generously, smiling and patting her shoulder.

* * *

Unaccustomed to heavy physical labor as he was, Andrei's muscles were soon aching, and his hands were covered with blisters. He looked around at the other men who worked alongside him, some of whom had been in this hellish place for five or even ten years. He couldn't understand how anyone could survive for that long under such harsh conditions. He saw how they hoarded food, hiding it either in their own clothing or another unlikely place. Never in his life had he ever dreamed that he'd have to be so fiercely protective of a single crumb of bread.

The cabbage soup he'd eaten earlier had barely put a dent in his appetite, and it was still many hours before the workers would be fed again. One must get used to it eventually, Andrei supposed, although he couldn't imagine how.

* * *

"You're pregnant, all right," the nurse told Kim. "A little over a month, I'd say. I'll prescribe some prenatal vitamins for you, and we'll set you up for an ultrasound appointment as soon as possible."

Kim just nodded. Inside she felt a mixture of shock, fear, and above all, wonder. A little piece of Andrei had survived after all, and was safely nestled deep inside her body. A tangible manifestation of the love she and Andrei had shared. Despite her overwhelming sorrow, Kim felt hope for the first time since learning of Andrei's fate. Soon she'd be busy preparing for her child's arrival, buying nursery furniture and cute little outfits and booties, choosing a name. All of that would certainly take the edge off the aching emptiness she felt inside.

She couldn't help but wonder what had become of Andrei's body. She had asked Mark about it, and he had told her that if no one in the Soviet Union claimed the body within a certain period of time, it would be buried in a pauper's grave. Kim desperately hoped that the former had been the case rather than the latter. She couldn't bear the thought of the body of the man she loved simply lying in some bleak section of some lonely field, abandoned and forgotten, in a country halfway around the world, where she couldn't even visit to tidy up and leave flowers from time to time.


	6. Mark's True Colors

"I don't believe it!" Kim gasped. The apartment she had shared with Andrei had been very nice, but it was nothing compared to the one Mark was now showing her. The new apartment was much larger, and it was already furnished and possessed every luxury item Kim could possibly hope for. _Oh, Andrei, if you could only see this..._She felt tears stinging her eyes.

"I thought that it would meet with your approval." Mark smiled smugly.

"Oh, it does! Thank you!" Kim threw her arms around the older man's neck in gratitude, and he chuckled indulgently and patted her back.

Kim noticed that there was a smaller bedroom adjacent to the main one. It would make a perfect nursery. Kim already had a mental list in her head of all the things she'd need for the care of a newborn. _I promise, Andrei, that I'll love and cherish our child just as I loved and cherished you. _She felt a big lump in her throat.

* * *

Kim's new job went smoothly for the first few weeks. Although there was a lot to learn, Mark was patient with her. For many hours he would sit talking to her as she worked, telling her stories about his childhood and teen years, about the various romantic relationships he'd had and why each one hadn't worked out. Kim got the impression that he was a lonely man with a lot of love to offer to the right woman.

One day Kim was filing when she suddenly noticed that Mark was there, silently watching her.

"So, is your new apartment still working out well?" he asked.

"Everything's fine," she replied, wondering what he was leading up to.

"And the new job, you like it as well?"

She nodded.

"I could make sure that things are very good for you, Kimberly." She didn't like the look in his eyes at all as he leered at her.

"You're a lonely woman, and I'm a lonely man," Mark continued. He came to her and took both her hands into his own. "I think we'd go very well together. What do you say?"

"You're a very kind man, General Pleshakov," Kim said. "And I'm sure there's a woman somewhere who's just right for you, but it isn't me." She saw the disappointment in his eyes and felt sad and a little guilty. "I'm sorry, Mark, but I just don't feel that way about you."

He abruptly turned and left without a word.

When Kim tried to leave work that evening, she felt herself being grabbed from behind, and before she knew it, Mark's lips were crushing her own, suffocating her. Terrified, she tried to scream, but the only sound she was able to make was a muffled protest.

"You know you want me." Mark's hands were on her breasts now, fondling them. Kim kneed him in the groin as hard as she could, then ran for her life.

* * *

She found Billy in the same place she'd found him before, when she'd decided to leave Andrei and join the resistance. His eyes narrowed when he saw her.

"What happened? Did your sugar daddy kick you out?"

"He's dead," Kim said softly.

"Killed by the resistance?"

"No. He was sent back to his own country and was killed trying to break up a street fight."

"And I suppose you expect us to just welcome you back with open arms after you just walked away with no explanation whatsoever?"

"I'm sorry, Billy." Kim realized how she must look to Billy and felt ashamed. "I know it's hard for you to understand, but deep down inside, I really did love him. It hurt like hell when I left him to join the resistance, but I thought I was doing the right thing by sacrificing my personal happiness for the sake of loyalty to my country. But I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, Billy. I found that I just couldn't make it without him."

"And now that he's gone, you come crawling back to your exile friends, is that it?"

"Please, Billy, please don't turn me away. I have nowhere else to go."

"Why should I care about that?"

"Please, Billy, I thought you were my friend!"

"Some friend you turned out to be."

"I'm very sorry that what I did hurt you," Kim said. "But what else was I to do?"

"You could have forgotten him and found an American to fall in love with, that's what!" Billy said angrily.

"It's not that easy," Kim said. "And now that I'm carrying his baby..."

Billy stared incredulously. "You let one of _them _get you pregnant?"

"It isn't contagious," Kim said defensively.

Billy sighed. "Well, I can't just turn a woman in your condition back out onto the streets, can I?"

"So I can stay?"

"What other choice do I have?" Billy asked resignedly.


	7. You'll Never Walk Alone

Visitors arrived. Steve and Lori.

"Guess who's back," Billy said sarcastically.

Steve and Lori stared at Kim with first surprise, then wariness.

"Your sugar daddy kick you out?" asked Lori.

"Andrei's dead," Kim told her.

"What happened?"

"Street violence in the Soviet Union. He was sent back over there."

"Oh, _really..." _Lori cocked an eyebrow.

"So what are we rehearsing tonight?" asked Steve.

_Please not Fantasticks, _Kim begged silently. _Anything but Fantasticks. _If they rehearsed Fantasticks, she'd have to sing 'Try To Remember', and all the memories would come rushing back. Their first date. The first time they'd kissed. The first time they'd made love. She knew she'd never get through it without bawling like a baby.

"Carousel," said Billy.

Kim was dizzy with relief.

Moments later she was singing a different song.

_"Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain  
Though your dreams be tossed and blown..."_

In her mind's eye Kim saw herself walking in the wind and rain, close to being blown over. A light was shining down on her from above, and although she couldn't see him, she knew that Andrei was watching her and whispering words of comfort. "You'll never walk alone, Kim."

When she was finished, Billy, Steve, and Lori all applauded.

"That was beautiful, Kim," said Billy.

"Thank you," said Kim.

* * *

That night she dreamed about Andrei again. She dreamed of him very often, but somehow this dream seemed particularly real. In it she saw Andrei crowded together with a lot of other men in a dark, dirty, gloomy place. It appeared to be a prison cell. All the men, including Andrei, were dirty and very thin.

Andrei looked directly at her. His lips moved to form the words, help me. Kim was completely paralyzed, able to see everything that was going on but powerless to do anything at all about it.

With a shriek she sat up in bed. Her eyes flew open to stare into the blackness. She could feel her heart beating in her throat.

"Andrei?" she asked softly. The only response was silence.

* * *

_My doctor's appointment! _In the trauma of the events of the past few days, she'd almost completely forgotten it. _The ultrasound! _She'd see the child she and Andrei had created together for the very first time.

Cheered by the thought, Kim quickly dressed and caught the bus to the doctor's office.

A few minutes later, she was lying back on an examination table with her abdomen exposed.

"This is going to feel really cold," the technician told her, squirting a clear, viscous gel onto her skin. She hadn't exaggerated one bit. Kim shivered. A moment later, her eyes were riveted to the ultrasound screen, struggling to make out the grainy images.

"This is the head," the technician told Kim. "And this is the spine." Kim thought that the image looked rather like a peanut, or a kidney bean, perhaps. She felt an overwhelming love for the tiny being. _Oh, Andrei, if you could only see... _Tears began to form behind her eyelids.

"Between about sixteen and twenty weeks I'll be able to tell you the baby's gender, if you want to know," the technician was saying. Kim hadn't even thought to wonder about that, but now she knew that if she had a son, she'd name him Andrei.

"Does everything look all right?" she asked.

"Everything looks perfectly normal so far," the technician said with a smile.

* * *

"Bronsky got a package from home!" someone shouted excitedly. Andrei and the rest of the starving men eagerly crowded around Ivan Bronsky's bunk. It was always a major event when someone got a package from home. Andrei felt bad that he'd never given so much as a bite to Ivan, even though the reason was simply that Andrei had no one to send him packages.

Memories of his comfortable life back in the United States came to Andrei's mind occasionally, and he tried desperately to block them out, as they were very painful. Memories of his relationship with Kim were even more painful. She was the first woman he'd allowed himself to get close to, the first woman he'd really allowed to touch his soul. He wondered whether she thought that he'd simply deserted her, whether she may even have found someone else by now.

Andrei watched as Ivan busily handed out treats left and right and hoped that he might be fortunate enough to receive a cracker, or perhaps even a cookie.


	8. On The Run

Kim felt a strange joy on the way back from her doctor's appointment. Her first actual sight of her baby's image had made the pregnancy seem so much more real to her. Before leaving her life forever, Andrei had left her a special parting gift, a permanent reminder of their love which she'd always treasure.

Upon entering the apartment, Kim noticed that someone had slipped a note under the door. Surprised, she bent to retrieve it, and as she read its words, her joy quickly turned to terror.

"Did you really think that you could hide from me?"

The note wasn't signed, but Kim knew that it had to be from Mark Pleshakov. Somehow he had traced her movements, had found out where she was. What on earth could she do? Obviously she had to leave. To stay where she was would be to endanger not only her own life, but Billy's as well. Yet where could she go?

* * *

"Line up by fives!" the officer roared. Andrei had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. A recount could mean only one thing, that someone was missing. _Markowitz. _Andrei had seen it in the man's eyes earlier in the day, the combination of eagerness and dread that could only mean that an attempted escape was being planned.

He and the other men stood in place for what felt like hours. He knew that no matter how long it took, none of them were going anywhere until the missing man was accounted for.

At last, the beaten, bloodied, barely recognizable figure of Markowitz was dragged within Andrei's line of sight. Andrei knew what this meant for the attempted escapee: ten days in the 'can.' Solitary confinement in a space barely large enough to turn around in. No bread to eat, only a watery gruel once a day. Markowitz would be considerably thinner when he was returned to the general populace of the gulag if he survived at all. Men in solitary usually didn't.

* * *

Kim wandered aimlessly for hours. She grew both hungry and tired but knew that she didn't dare stop. For all she knew, one of Mark Pleshakov's men might be right on her trail, just waiting for a chance to grab her.

It began to get dark, and Kim knew she'd have to find shelter for the night. Eventually she reached an abandoned church which was, miraculously, unlocked. Quietly she slipped inside, found a pew to stretch out on, and was asleep almost instantly.

The sun shining in through the stained glass windows awakened her the following morning. She was immediately aware of a more intense hunger than she'd ever felt before in her life. Weakly she arose from the pew and went in search of food. The door to the church pantry was unlocked, but it was totally bare except for a loaf of very stale, moldy bread. Kim did her best to pull all the mold off and hungrily devoured the rest, barely noticing the taste. Then she found the church's water fountain and drank thirstily until she was sure she would burst. She reflected that the abandoned church wouldn't be a bad place to stay, temporarily at least, if she had access to adequate food and other provisions.

The stale bread had barely put a dent in Kim's appetite. She was still voraciously hungry. Near the abandoned church she found a supermarket with a dumpster behind it. The dumpster held an assortment of overripe fruits and vegetables. Kim swatted the flies away, grabbed as much as she could hold, and headed back to the church to wash the food off in the water fountain.

After several days of hiding out in the church, sneaking out several times during the day in search of food, Kim began to feel not only very grimy and dirty but desperately lonely as well. Covertly watching the dumpster, she noticed a squatter family that visited frequently as well. It consisted of an older couple, maybe about ten years or so younger than Kim's parents, and a teenage boy and girl.

As distrustful as Kim had become of strangers in general, she felt so utterly alone that she decided to take a chance and reach out to them. Now she had to find a way to break the ice.

As it turned out, she had nothing to worry about where that was concerned.


	9. Kim's New Friends

For some reason Kim was in a chipper mood. "Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry...when I take you out in the surrey..."

"When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe...on top..."

Startled, Kim looked to see who had picked up the tune and saw that it was the teenage girl from the squatter family.

The girl smiled. "Hi. I'm Hannah."

"I'm Kim."

"We used to sing that song in chorus back when I still went to school." The girl fell into step beside Kim. "We've seen you around. Where's the rest of your family?"

"I don't know," Kim said truthfully. She hadn't seen her parents in over five years.

"You mean you're all alone?"

Kim nodded.

"Where do you stay?"

Kim pointed to the abandoned church.

"Oh, you poor dear," Hannah's mother said to Kim. "Well, you're welcome to stay with us if you'd like. We don't have much, but at least we have electricity and running water."

Kim smiled. How she longed to take a hot shower!

"I'm Ruth," the woman continued. "And this is my husband Sam and our son Jacob."

"It's very nice to meet you," Kim said. They collected as much as they could carry from the dumpster, and then Kim followed the family back to their home, which turned out to be a tiny, sparsely furnished apartment. To Kim, it seemed almost like a palace.

After she was settled, she talked to her new friends and got to know them better.

"We're Jewish," Ruth told her. "Of course we're not allowed to have a menorah at Hanukkah any more, nor to celebrate Passover or any of the other holidays, but what I really miss is lighting the candles for the Sabbath meal. That was always such a special time."

"It's all right, dear. God knows what's in our hearts," Sam said consolingly.

"I remember the Christmas tree we used to always have every year," Kim said. "There was always a star at the top that would blink on and off. And we used to gather around the piano and sing Christmas carols and drink hot chocolate and apple cider..."

"The dreidels!" Jacob exclaimed. "I used to love to play dreidels, and eat gelt."

All of them sat silently, sadly, thinking of happy times in the past that now seemed gone forever.

"We used to own and operate a furniture store," Sam told Kim. "We did all the work ourselves. No employees except family members. We did pretty good."

"I was an actress," Kim said.

"Hollywood?" Hannah's eyes immediately lit up.

"Broadway."

"I always wanted to be an actress too." Hannah sighed.

Kim stayed with the family, which she discovered was named Dreyfus, for several weeks. They talked of many things, but Kim could never bring herself to tell them about Andrei, or about her pregnancy. She remembered how her actor and actress friends had felt about her relationship with one of the occupying country's secret service agents and anticipated that the reactions of her new friends would be similar.

One night she was lying awake on the sofa listening to the sound of the rain on the windows when she felt a movement deep inside her, one she'd never felt before. It made her think of the flutter of a baby bird's wing. Could it actually be? Why, it must be!

"Andrei," she whispered, gently massaging her abdomen.


	10. In The Hospital

Kim suddenly sat bolt upright on the sofa. The rain had stopped, and fragments of a dream she'd had the previous night still lingered in her head. Overwhelming sorrow overtook her as she realized that her child would never know his or her father. _Dear little one, I'll have to be both mother and father to you._

The following day she was walking along the sidewalk when she heard someone shout at her. "Kimberly! Kimberly Ballard!"

_One of Mark's men must have finally caught up to me. _Scared out of her wits, she broke into a run. She didn't see the van, and its driver didn't see her until it was too late.

* * *

The first thing Kim was aware of was how quiet it was. The air had the faint antiseptic smell of a hospital room. She opened her eyes and saw that her right leg was in traction. The next thing she was aware of was that her left arm was encased within a bulky cast.

"You're finally awake," remarked a nurse who entered the room a few minutes later.

"What happened?"

"You were struck by a van three days ago," the nurse told her. "You've suffered a mild concussion, and your arm and leg are both broken."

"Oh my God, my baby..."

"Your baby's fine." The nurse smiled and patted her uninjured arm. "The fetal heartbeat is still strong."

Tears welled in Kim's eyes. She felt so alone. How she wished that Andrei were there to hold her!

"She's awake now," Kim heard the nurse tell someone at the door.

"Can I see her?" asked a female voice.

"You have a visitor. Shall I show her in?" the nurse asked Kim, who nodded. Ruth Dreyfus entered the room.

"Oh, Kim, why didn't you tell us?" she asked.

"Tell you what?" Kim frowned.

"About your baby! We would have taken much better care of you if we'd only known!"

"I was afraid," Kim said softly.

"Afraid of what?"

"If I'd told you about the baby, I would've had to explain about Andrei," Kim told her. "If you'd found out about Andrei, I was afraid...afraid that you wouldn't let me stay with you anymore."

"Who's Andrei?"

"He's..._was..._my boyfriend," Kim said. "He was a government agent for the occupying country. He was sent back over there right after I got pregnant. He...was killed by street hooligans over there. He never even got to find out that he was going to be a father."

"Why, you poor thing!" Ruth exclaimed. "No wonder you always looked so sad!"

* * *

In a month's time Kim was on the mend and was transferred from the hospital to a home for homeless pregnant women. Her arm and leg were still in casts, but she could get around on crutches.

One day she was sitting in the living room watching the news with several other young women in various stages of pregnancy when it was announced that General Mark Pleshakov had been assassinated. A rebel had fired four shots from a pistol at him, and one of the bullets had gone straight into his brain.

"Oh my God, I don't believe it!" squealed Tina.

"I knew it was bound to happen someday," muttered Karen.

Kim just stared silently at the screen, unable to believe her ears.


	11. Mike And Sharon Brown

"So, are you planning to see your baby after it's born?" asked Tina.

"Of course!" said Kim. "Why shouldn't I?"

"I'm not," said Karen. "That would just make having to give it up that much more painful."

"What do you mean, 'having to give it up'?" Kim was shocked.

"Don't you know?" Tina asked her. Kim shook her head.

"Here at Our Father's House, we're all expected to give our babies up for adoption after they're born," Tina explained. "John and Linda Curtis, the folks who own this place, believe that every child deserves to be raised in a Christian home with both a mother _and _a father."

"Well, I'm not giving _mine _up. Not for _an_y_thing!" _Kim exclaimed, horrified at the very thought of handing over her precious baby, the only thing she had left of Andrei, to strangers to raise.

Karen was shaking her head. "You'll change your mind, Kim."

"No! I _never _will!" Kim was so upset that she was almost shouting.

A couple of weeks later, Kim was with Karen when Karen went into labor and was quickly transferred to a nearby hospital. Two days later, she returned to Our Father's House with a flat belly and a woebegone expression on her face.

Once back inside the home, she went immediately to her room, where she stayed for the next two days, not even emerging for meals. On the third day, Kim's curiosity got the better of her, and she tentatively knocked on the other woman's door.

"Come in," Karen said weakly.

Kim entered the room to find Karen lying in her pajamas on the unmade bed, staring at the wall.

"Karen?" Kim asked gently.

"What do you want?" Karen's voice sounded unfriendly, angry, almost.

"Well, what did you have?" asked Kim.

"I don't know," Karen said miserably.

"You mean you don't even know what you had?" Kim was incredulous.

"No," said Karen. "They took it away as soon as it was born."

"So you didn't even see it?"

"No."

Kim suddenly felt profoundly sad. "I'm so sorry, Karen."

"Go away and leave me alone!" Karen snapped. Kim left the room as quickly as she could.

* * *

Kim was about eight and a half months pregnant when Linda Curtis told her that there was a couple who wanted to meet her.

"Their names are Mike and Sharon Brown, and they're a lovely Christian couple. I know you're really going to like them," Linda said.

"Why do they want to meet me?" Kim asked suspiciously. Linda didn't answer.

True to Kim's suspicions, Mike and Sharon Brown looked exactly like the cookie-cutter perfect couple. Mike was built like a football quarterback, with short, dark brown hair and brown eyes, and Sharon was a slender blue-eyed blonde. They were both dressed as if they were on their way to church, back in the old days, when there _was _church.

"Hello, sweetheart." Sharon embraced Kim warmly, and Kim caught a generous whiff of her expensive perfume. "It's so good to meet you. Please, have a seat. We want to talk to you."

"Coffee?" asked Linda.

"Yes, please," said Sharon. "Let's get right to the point," she told Kim. Suddenly her tone sounded a lot less friendly. Kim felt a chill travel down her spine. "You _are _a Christian, right?"

"There isn't really any such thing anymore, is there?" asked Kim.

"Why, of course there is!" Sharon exclaimed. "True Christians who have Jesus in their hearts and walk with God let their lights shine in even the darkest of times. Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart, Kim?"

"Well...um..."

"Would you like to ask Him into your heart right now?"

Kim glanced around nervously, like a trapped animal desperately searching for a path of escape.

"You can come to God any time you are ready, dear, and He will welcome you with open arms," said Sharon. "What I want to discuss with you right now is what plans you have for your future, and for that of your baby. I know you want to do what's best for your child." The icy chill returned to Kim's spine.

"Mike and I could provide your child with a wonderful home, Kim. The Lord has really blessed us financially. Your child will want for nothing. He or she will always have the best of everything."

"No!" Kim grabbed her crutch and limped away from the Browns as quickly as she could. She had almost made it back to her room when a sudden sharp pain gripped her abdomen so tightly that it made her gasp.


	12. Giving Birth

"Premature contractions, most likely brought on by stress," the doctor said. "After a few days' bed rest, you should be fine."

Kim lay in bed watching TV and reading for a few days. Some of the other girls, including Tina, came by to visit her.

"How's Karen?" Kim asked Tina.

Tina shrugged. "I have no idea. She left without saying anything to anyone."

Kim placed her hand on her swollen belly and felt her little one's kicks. She could only imagine the emptiness Karen must be experiencing right now.

A couple of weeks later, Kim's contractions started for real, and she was transferred from Our Father's House to the hospital.

At the hospital she was told to undress completely and given a flimsy gown to put on. Then she was put to bed and hooked up to an IV and monitors.

Hour after hour she lay there alone, resting as best she could between contractions. _Oh, Andrei, how I wish that you could be here with me, holding my hand!_

Finally the nurse examined Kim and told her that it was time to start pushing. Kim's feet were put in stirrups, and she pushed as hard as she could with the next contraction. The contractions were coming closer together now, and Kim pushed and pushed until she finally felt the baby slide from her body.

"It's a girl!" the doctor announced.

"Oh, Andrei..." Kim sobbed.

She watched as the newborn was cleaned, placed on the scale, and finally handed to her. She looked into the dark blue eyes in the tiny, red, wrinkled face and felt an overwhelming love, one that she'd never felt before.

"Her name is Marina," she announced. "That was Andrei's mother's name."

* * *

Kim slept for a few hours, and when she awakened, Linda Curtis was sitting beside her bed, and the baby was nowhere to be seen.

"Marina!" Kim shrieked, fighting mounting panic.

"She's fine," Linda said soothingly, patting Kim's arm. "She's in the nursery."

"I want my baby!" Kim demanded.

Just then Mike and Sharon Brown entered Kim's hospital room.

"She's beautiful!" Sharon gushed. "I can't wait to hold her!"

"She's mine!" Kim cried defiantly.

"There, there." Linda patted Kim's arm again. "You're feeling very emotional right now, which is perfectly understandable, but I'm sure that in a few days, you'll come to your senses and do what's best for your baby."

"If the authorities knew what your organization was really up to, it would be shut down immediately, and you'd all be imprisoned," Kim retorted, glaring defiantly at Linda.

"I know." Linda sighed. "I really believed we'd all be raptured before the godless atheists took over, but the Lord's ways are not our ways. He's chosen to allow us to live through this time of tribulation to test our faith, and when redemption finally comes, our rewards will be all the sweeter."

"I want my baby!" Kim pleaded, her voice choked with tears.

"I'm sorry," Linda told Sharon. "Unless she signs the papers terminating her parental rights, you can't take the baby."

* * *

Kim knew that there was no possible way that she and Marina could return to Our Father's House after they left the hospital. As soon as she and the baby were released, Kim boarded the bus that would take her back to Billy's apartment, hoping against hope that he was still there.

To her immense relief, he was. He took one look at her standing there holding baby Marina, then sighed deeply and stepped aside so that she could enter.


	13. Andrei's Return

**Three Years Later**

The government of Andrei's native country had undergone major changes. A new leader had come to power, a man who believed in free speech, in granting powers to the citizens that were similar to those enjoyed by citizens of Western countries. Almost instantly, all occupied territories, including the United States, were granted complete autonomy, and all political prisoners, including Andrei, were released.

Considerably thinner, the once suave, self-assured man felt quite lost after being suddenly thrust back into a society from which he'd been isolated for over three years. Becoming re-adjusted to the ordinary routines of life was an all-absorbing task at first, and once that was mastered, his mind returned to thoughts of her.

He hadn't seen her in more than three years. Certainly she'd moved on, had likely found someone else and possibly even married. Would there even be any point in returning to the United States to look for her?

Yet thoughts of her had begun to dominate Andrei's waking hours and fill his dreams at night. He finally realized that he simply couldn't rest until he knew what had become of her, so he saved up his money and bought an airplane ticket to the United States.

Once there, he found that he had no idea where to start. It was highly unlikely that she still lived in the apartment she'd shared with him. There was no way she could have afforded it without his income. He checked anyway and, sure enough, someone else lived there now, and they couldn't tell him anything at all about any previous occupants.

He checked with various theater companies, but none of them had ever heard of an actress named Kimberly Ballard. Of course, if she'd married, she might have changed her name anyway.

Frustrated, he decided to take a walk to help clear his mind. The city sidewalk took him past a park, and he paused momentarily to watch mothers pushing toddlers in swings. Wistfully he wondered what it would have been like to have been a father.

Suddenly a pretty little girl of about three with curly brown hair and bright blue eyes caught his eye. Something about her seemed so very familiar. Then he noticed her mother, and his mouth dropped open in shock.

* * *

She saw him at just about the same time. She blinked, believing that she was seeing things, but when she looked again, he was still there.

"Andrei?" she asked in wonder.

"Kimberly! Is it really you?"

"They told me you had died," she said.

"I was arrested and thrown into a gulag," Andrei told her. "I was there for three years." He looked at the little girl, who now stood staring at him curiously. "Is she..."

Kim nodded. "I named her according to the tradition of your country. Her name is Marina Andreivna Denisova."

"Thank you." There were tears in Andrei's eyes.

"Who are you?" Marina asked him.

"I'm your Papa," he told her. He reached for her, and she peered at him from behind the safety of Kim's legs.

* * *

"Where do you live now?" he asked her.

"In a small apartment near here. I'll take you there. It's only a short walk." She took Marina's hand, and Andrei fell into step beside them.

"So what are you doing now?" asked Andrei.

"I'm a college student, studying to be an instructor at an academy for the performing arts," Kim told him. "Now that I'm finally free to take whatever courses I want, and choose whatever career I want, I'm doing what makes me happy and will help me to provide for Marina."

When they reached the apartment, Andrei looked around and noticed how much smaller and plainer it was than the one he and Kim had previously shared together.

Andrei sat on the sofa while Kim prepared coffee. He smiled at Marina and motioned for her to sit in his lap, but the little girl just stared at him hesitantly.

"Give her time," Kim said. She poured the coffee and then sat on the sofa beside Andrei. Marina sat on the floor in front of them playing with her toys.

"Will you sing me the song?" Andrei asked. "Just for old times' sake."

It was the first time Kim had been able to sing the song without feeling pain in her heart in years.

_"Try to remember the kind of September  
When life was slow and oh, so mellow  
Try to remember the kind of September  
When grass was green and grain was yellow..."_


	14. Together At Last

"Is she asleep?" asked Andrei as Kim returned from Marina's bedroom, where she'd just put the little girl down for an afternoon nap.

Kim nodded.

"I missed you so very much, Kimberly." Andrei's arms came around to encircle Kim's shoulders as he inhaled the scent of her hair.

"I missed you too, Andrei," Kim said. "More than I can say."

"So did you not have any other boyfriends in over three years?" Andrei was incredulous.

"I was too busy taking care of Marina to even think about it."

"She is beautiful." Andrei traced a line of kisses along Kim's hairline. "We made a wonderful little girl together, did we not?"

"We sure did," Kim replied. "She looks just like you, as I hoped she would."

"Mm." Andrei began to kiss Kim's neck.

"Was it really horrible in the gulag?"

"Horrible doesn't even begin to describe it." Andrei chuckled. "The day they let me go was the happiest of my life."

"How did you end up there?"

"I was falsely accused of speaking against the government. I never found out who my accusers were."

"I have a pretty good idea who it was," Kim said.

"Who?" Andrei stopped kissing her and just stared at her in disbelief. She told him of what Mark had done.

Andrei's face went red with rage. "I will kill him!"

"He's already dead," Kim told him of the news program she'd watched at Our Father's House.

"Well, then, we do not have to worry about him anymore, do we," Andrei purred, taking Kim's hand and leading her into the bedroom.

While Andrei unbuttoned his shirt, Kim pulled her own over her head, then reached for Andrei's belt. Andrei unfastened Kim's bra and let it fall, then stepped back and looked at her.

"I'd forgotten how beautiful you are," he murmured.

Kim finished undoing his belt and unzipped his pants, then tugged them down to his ankles and did the same with his underwear. He quickly kicked them off and stood before her naked. She began to softly kiss him, then took him all the way into her mouth, reaching behind to massage his testicles at the same time.

"It has been a very long time for me. It will happen very quickly," he warned her. Aware of the truth of his words, she didn't spend nearly as long pleasuring him with her mouth as she would have liked.

After a few minutes, she lay back on the bed and let Andrei remove her slacks and panties, then spread her legs to give him access to her most sensitive area. His tongue quickly found her pleasure center, and she went over the edge almost instantly.

"Is it all right?" Andrei asked next.

"Yes," said Kim, very happy that her period had just ended a couple of days before.

Andrei plunged into her, and they moved together desperately, frantically, until he moaned loudly and thrust madly, filling her with his seed.

Afterwards they lay quietly together, cradled in one another's arms, happy and sated.

* * *

After awhile, Kim yawned.

"You can take a nap if you want. It is all right." Andrei chuckled.

"Marina will be awake soon," said Kim.

"She is not used to me yet." Andrei sounded a little sad.

"She will be soon," Kim assured him.

"It is funny, is it not," Andrei remarked. "One day I am a man alone, and the next I not only find you again, but discover that I have a child as well."

"So what will you do now?" asked Kim. "Go back to your own country?"

"I don't know," Andrei told her. "If I do, I will send for you and Marina soon. In truth it does not matter that much to me, as long as we are together."

"As long as we're together," Kim echoed.

That was the only thing that really mattered to her as well.

_Many thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this story. :)_


End file.
